The Life and Crimes of Luther and Ray-Ray

My name is Luther Monroe Perkins (yes, I know there was a White fellow of that name, but that is not me), and I am The Black Man, born on 4 July, the year 19 and 40 in Hampton County, the Great State of South Carolina. I was born standing up and talking back and haven’t ever quit much, to hear everyone tell it.

I’m old by some standards, (like the way the kids down on the corner think) but young in others, (I haven’t begun to touch the Blue Ridge Mountains in age…yet!) so don’t let looks fool you. I am still a sack of hell if I needs to be.

Now as a child growing up in the Low Country of South Carolina in the 1940’s and 50”s I saw a lot of things, some of which no child should ever see, but some that were so funny, I still laugh when I think about them. So, I decided to write down some of those stories before I get too old to remember them or before someone else decides to tell the truth about how they happened.

When we was growing up in the Low Country there wasn’t much to do besides work. You were a farmer, period. You either grew cotton for wearing, tobacco for smoking or corn for drinking....     

I will explain how you accomplish that last feat a little later.

A lot of these stories include my no good, low-down, shiftless, stomach pooched, hand out, no J.O.B. having, brother-in-law that is married to my Good Wife’s (Loretta) baby sister, Sallie Mae.

Let me be very clear...

Raymond Bartholomew Sims (goes by the name of Ray-Ray) and me are not blood related!

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The Game of Kings:

It is no secret that there is no love lost between me and my Good Wife's, sister's (Sally Mae) husband, Ray-Ray.

That being said my Pappy once told me "Luther P. to get along sometimes you have to go along!", so since Loretta loves her sister very much and they are the last two of their family on this side of the dirt, sometimes I have to go along

Now, Ray-Ray is what we used to call in the old days "shiftless", he will work harder at not working than he would if he would just get to work.

For example, while I was down there this past weekend, he wanted to play checkers. I am more of a chess man. I said "Ray-Ray, why don't you learn the game of chess? It is more challenging, provokes a man’s thoughts and keeps your mind sharper than plain old checkers. It is the game of kings!"

Ray-Ray thinks on this so hard and for so long, I thought he was asleep, and then he says, "Ludda P. (fool can't or won't say Luther), I have been playing checkers for a lot of years. The games happen quick, keeps me sharp, none of this lolly-gagging around, no bunch of rules and I's good at it.....  Bam! Bam! Bam, Bam!

He jumps 4 times takes 3 of my checkers and made it all the way to my side of the board....jumps up from his chair (we on the front porch), throws his hands up in the air (at which point his big old belly shines and flops around) and hollers:

"KING ME LUDDA ‘CAUSE THIS IS THE GAME OF KINGS!"

Because he is Sally Mae's husband, (and don't have no insurance) I cannot serve him up a "Slice-a-Plenty".

If my Good Wife hadn't of cured me of all that wickedness of drinking, drugging, gambling and fighting., I would have punched him right in the mouth.

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The Emancipation:

I am very fond of my Good Wife's sister Sally Mae, but that no-account,

shiftless, no J.O.B. having, hand out, mouth open, checker playing, mule's hind-end that she is married to (name of Ray-Ray), I can do without.

This past weekend was Memorial Day Weekend (A day of Remembrance-Thank you to all that served) and in the Perkins’ house hold that means BBQ on the grill outside on the patio, (country style pork and beef ribs, corn on the cob, potato salad, baked beans, fresh made yeast bread, strawberry short-cake and sweet tea) and without fail it means that old beat-down Lincoln will pull in, and "Old Pussel Gut" himself will duck-walk in and begin jabbering at the mouth so loud that the neighbors can hear him.

I would not mind so much if they came up for the cookout and then left, but they had to come up on Saturday morning and stay through this morning (today is Tuesday!). Needless to say, I was perturbed the moment that Lincoln pulled in. I asked Ray why he didn't get Sally Mae a nicer car that wasn't so dilapidated, that she could be proud to ride in, and that didn't make my prize winning yard look like something from Howard Street.

 He said "Ludda P. (that fool refuses to call me Luther) I's drives this old Lincoln because it is a real American car and I's proud to be American…. This fine automobile makes a Black Man feel liberated". Against my better judgment I asked him, "Ray-Ray how does that particular car make you feel more liberated than any other? You can pick up and leave with any car so you should get that feeling regardless of the make and model".

 He sat there quite for the first time since they had pulled up as if he were   contemplating the weight of the world, (which I knew he wasn't, because he has no responsibilities) then he grunted and said, "Ludda P. you know it was Lincoln that freed the slaves, and that's what this old Lincoln does, it sets me free!"

I wanted to remind him that he didn't have any Operators License, but figured it was a fool that looked for logic in the chambers of a man's heart......